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Reply by eKIM

22 Dec 2012, 11:09 PM

My wife and I have been to Maui. I never knew what "Heaven On Earth" meant until I went to Maui. Enjoy! This is what memories are made of. You are so fortunate to be able to have this special time with your Mom. I just know that "counting your blessings" will put Joy into your heart, dear - and keep the sadness away. - eKim

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Reply by ShiningStar

23 Dec 2012, 12:47 AM

I am sorry about your dad. I am sure moving with them was the best decision you made and I am glad that you had the opportunity to keep him at home and be there for him until the end.
I am also glad that you are going away with your mom and create memories!
I am wishing you the best!

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Reply by Plum1

24 Dec 2012, 3:15 AM

Dear idontknow,
I just wish to add my words of support and care. You bring alive so much the cost of love. When you love, your heart is stretched, and you always want the best for those you love. It would be wonderful if all could work out as you would wish, but that is not always the way life goes, is it?
I am touched by your tremendous involvement with your family's needs. It sounds as though you have put aside your own agenda in order to be present to your parents in their time of greatest vulnerability. Your presence allowed your Dad to pass from this world in a dignified and peaceful way. And now your mother must greatly appreciate your daily care for her and all that she holds in her heart.
Given your brother's struggle with addiction and mental illness, communication with him must have always been difficult. You clearly have tried, and are trying now, to keep a line of communication open as he faces the challenges of living with cancer.
I, too, have worked with persons living with addiction. As you know, their main defense is denial. And their strong defenses limit greatly their capacity to allow anyone to get close. Your gentle and faithful emails are probably the very best way to connect as they do not threaten, and yet communcate unconditional acceptance. I admire you and encourage you in what you are doing.
What is the mental illness your brother has, and what form of cancer is he living with?

It sounds as though just having this community of support is of help to you. I am wondering whether there any particular needs you have that we could respond to. I encourge you to be gentle with yourself. While you make your way, led by your heart, I hope that you will pay attention to your expectations of yourself. You cannot be a miracle-worker. And it is important that you take good care of yourself as you care so lovingly for others.

I am very happy that you and your mother are off to Maui. You both probably really need such a healing time and place. Soak in all the warmth and beauty, and rest well.

Let us know how Christms goes for you! I hold you and your family in my heart and prayers.
Plum1

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Reply by idontknow

24 Dec 2012, 5:04 AM

I am feeling so full, so warm and fuzzy with all your wise words.

I have a lot to contemplate while I am away.

warm regards and all the best to you and your families.

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Reply by NatR

09 Jan 2013, 6:13 PM

Dear Idontknow,

By now I hope that you have had a chance to recoup your energies and that your trip to Maui helped greatly. Nothing like getting away to give perspective..and space.

Hope you relaxed, rested, ate well and got to enjoy all that is offered in a holiday.

I was just reading over the past notes back and forth - and wanted to ask how you and your mom are doing.

It seems that your brother with his problems and now this biggest one, having cancer and keeping distance from everyone...is something that you want to help solve but that you may not be able to.

You know that prayer, help me accept the things I cannot change.
I feel that you are with your mom on a daily basis and that your support of her is so important and helpful.

I know that you will continue to reach out to your brother and ultimately it is up to him to make a response. If he continues to be silent and separate...then all you can do is love him from afar...try and be aware of what is going on with him but you cannot change him.

I think that is something most difficult for any family member...is to try and help someone who already pushes people far away.

I have some personal experience in that regard so I speak from my own point of view.
I just wanted to remind you to be easy on yourself. To know that you are there for him, to know that you are supporting your mom through all of this...well, you are doing a lot.

It is really hard to realize that you cannot expect things from others that seem easy or important to give. It is our own thoughts that often we fight with the most.

I continually try to "make things happen" because I feel it would be better, more sensible, or just the right thing to do for the family...

I dont want to discourage you in any way...I just want to share my feelings and let you know that you arent alone.

Hoping that you are safely back and that you will drop a line to us when you are able.
Be well,
NatR

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Reply by idontknow

12 Jan 2013, 5:45 PM

Hello, My Mom and I are back from our trip. It was a really grand time. We had many deep and important conversations about the past and the future.

Making those memories together that we will always cherish.

I will be thinking about getting back to work, and how that will look for my Mom.

Finally was able to get my brother on the phone, a lot of No answers. I will have to start back with my daily "whats going on notes", without requesting a response.

It has been really important for me to review the discussion responses from the Male point of view. To keep my perspective on the understanding and not angry level.

Thank you, and Happy New Year to everyone

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Reply by eKIM

13 Jan 2013, 11:51 PM

I am so happy that you had a nice time with your Mom. I think that you have to take your happiness from wherever you find it, as you did. And take lots of it – often. This is how you will “charge your battery”. Otherwise you will become depleted with so much giving.

As for the other areas of your life that do not bring you happiness (ie the situation with your brother) you cannot let that situation bring you down. If you do so, it would make it only worse for your brother. Ultimately each of us is responsible for our own happiness – no one else is.

I wish that I could suggest an approach that would work with your brother, but I cannot. Yes, I’m a male, but I’m the type of male that would welcome all the comfort that I could get.

This may not be entirely resolved to your satisfaction, but don’t stop trying. Remember how wonderful love is. If love is offered and it is not accepted, love itself is NEVER diminished. In giving love you become the best possible “you” that you can become. That alone makes it all worthwhile.

-eKim

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Reply by Plum1

14 Jan 2013, 1:18 AM

I am very glad to hear that you and your Mom had such a good experience in Maui. You clearly have a very special relationship. What a gift! I am glad you feel full.

The relationship with your brother may not change. However, if you can be at peace with you notes regardless of his response, you willl know that you are doing your best, and letting know that you love him. Even though he does not respond, never think that what you are doing is not having an effect on him.

You mention that you are now looking at going back to work, and you are concerned about the impact on your mother. Certainly, she will feel the loss of your presence. You have shared intensely, and have spent a great deal of time together. With the openess between you, I am sure you will be able to have a conversation with her about this new moment. All the best in that!

Stay connected with us, and let us know how life develops.
Holding you in prayer,
Plum1

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Reply by NatR

17 Jan 2013, 8:06 PM

Hello Idontknow,

Just leaving you a message and hoping that somehow there has been a breakthrough with your communication with your brother.

Sending you warm thoughts today for both you and your mother,
Best wishes,
NatR

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Reply by ShiningStar

15 Feb 2013, 2:44 AM

Hi Idontknow!
How are you?

I am so glad to hear that your trip was so amazing.
Those are the moments that make our lives so valuable!!

How are things with your brother?
Are you back to work?
How's your mom?
Please let us know.

Sending you love on this day!!

ShiningStar

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