Hi Livvy:
I don't have the stamina to write much tonight, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you and what you went through when your Mom was dying and its so wonderful that you are able to use your experience to help others. I love the fact that even though you found your Mom's wishes difficult to carry out, (in terms of her accepting visitors, and especially in terms of her asking that you and your sister not be present when she passed over), you did it despite your own reservations and trusted your mother's direction which I am certain she appreciated! What a remarkable testimony to the depth of your love and respect for your Mom! Every mother knows their own child best, and it also is a touching tribute to the extraordinary love a mother has for a child, even the adult "child".
When my Mom's time came, I didn't know if I would be present at the precise time when death came to call upon her, but I wanted to be there, and at the very least I wanted her to be with a family member when the final moment came. I was about to leave the room for a break when my daughter said that my Mom had opened her eyes and was looking at me. Thankfully, my daugther's observation ensured that I was there with my Mom to experience the moment she drew her last breath. It's as if my Mom sensed that I was leaving the room and that she knew she was about to leave the world and so she beckoned me back so I could let her go. My mother knew on a very instinctive level that I needed that moment, just as I believe she needed it with me. It's a thought that comforts me whenever I think of it now.
When I came to the part of your story where you said that you were brought to tears as you wrote about this painful time in your Mom's life and yours, though thirteen years later, it caused me to cry as well, so tenderly you desrcibe the memories and I can relate as I, too, still weep as I recall those heartbreaking and difficult days when my Mom was dying a little over a year ago now.
As for the guilt we all feel, or most people do in my experience, I believe it is a natural response when someone we love dies, as suddenly we seem to remember all the ways we may have hurt them or didn't appreciate them fully when we had the chance. While usually guilt is not justified, and our desire to be spared one single bad memory involving our loved one is understandable as it only seems to exacerbate the ache in our hearts, I think it happens because until we actually say a final farewell to someone we love deeply, we cannot fully comprehend how precious is life and those with whom we share it and love the most.
Death in my opinion brings a heightened awareness of love, a deep enlightenment about life and ourselves and relationships. Death seems to bring out a wish to return to another time, to the safe arms of our loved ones who loved us so well in spite of our flaws and we wish we could make things perfect so that one painful memory will not sully the memory of our cherished loved one, the person we love more intensely than ever after death. Yet, I also know that it is not realistic nor healthy to seek or expect perfection and that a part of the letting go involves accepting not only our loved one's death, but our fragile humanity and theirs. Guilt can have a healing place in our process of grief though if it helps to broaden our awareness of others and increases our sense of compassion for them. If our guilt can inspire us to become more forgiving, more tolerant, and more loving, if it can make us more completely engaged in life and with people, it can be a catalyst for positve growth. At least for me, that is how I have used any guilt I have felt and rather than deny that I have felt it, I allow it to help me to heal as I hope to help others do the same.
I especially love the last two lines of your post. As a daughter and as a mother and grandmother, I know these are very wise words.
Have a great evening, Livvy!:)
VHcath