Has it really been almost 10 months? It has felt more like 10 years, but really...10 months? Time is so very cruel! I lost the very reason of my being/love of my life/best friend to cancer in April 2016. I still remember things about when I knew he was in trouble when he was discharged after a surgery that was supposed to help him while dealing with 1 of 3 cancers that he had at 42. I remember the "ghosts" of the day when the ambulance came to take him to the hospital, I remember the conversation I had with his very best long distant friend who told me the worst case scenario and only to have it being confirmed with his doctor. I remember the confusion on his face because the cancer in his lungs and bones had metastisized to his brain, and the fear on my part if he knew who I was. I remember the two weeks following, just like it was yesterday, and ultimately, the exact second he passed as I felt his soul pass through/hold my hand as he took his last breath. I remember everything...
In these 10 months, I have had to put on the "suit of armor" as I was thrown into becoming the Administrator of his estate- making several calls to the government, finding a place to stay, cutting off toxic relationships with people who I thought were friends...it's funny hmm, not funny haha, how death shows you who the true people in your life are. How things that seemed so important and all consuming become just the tiniest fragment of worry in your new journey in this grief. I took to drinking for almost every day that he has been gone, knowing full well that the answer is never going to be at the bottom of the bottle. How I've had to pick and choose who I share my thoughts and feelings with, so as not to be judged or looked upon as a burden.
My mind does have good days where it only sees the good days and the awesome times we had together...we were quite the comedic couple. But my God- he was so SMART!!! Smart, witty, funny...but the rest of the time I feel stuck in the bad times (hospital) and remember the face of death. He did have some clarity near the end, and that sense of humor came shining through as brilliant as ever.
Every day I question his passing, because as smart as he was (or maybe I'm only seeing it now), he thought I didn't know certain things about his condition, even though we had a talk about it the 2nd time he was diagnosed (my first time with him).
Yesterday I posted for the very first time and had the biggest, most fiercest cry since he passed. I believe it was my body's way of saying "It's okay to stop being so strong. You can release now", as we all know that boulders do crack and crumble, they can't be solid and strong forever. I can't even count how many times I've had mini breakdowns at work, or out with friends...how many people I've had to walk away from because of their ignorance. Not a single day passes by where he is ever far from my mind, but it's the selfishness of wanting him to be with me or me with him physically that eats me up so much. I know this isn't possible, just as I know that he lives within me through memories.
It still hurts. It's still so surreal...