It is January 6th and I managed to get thru the holiday season. It has been 47 days since my husband passed away. I went out of town to see my sister for Christmas this year - a good ten day escape from reality. In some ways it seems harder now than it did a month ago. Now that the holidays are over - everyone is back to work, school and living their normal everyday lives and mine will NEVER be same again. I have no idea what my normal will be now - I keep saying that I have to start figuring out what my life is going to look like now and everyone keeps saying that there is no hurry to do that yet I feel the opposite. I go back to work Jan 16th and I have a ton of anxiety about that. I work for a small company and have been there for over 10 years - it was like a family, or so I thought - until things stared to get really bad with my husband's illness. My co- workers were all very good and understanding - but my two bosses(husband and wife team) turned out not to be at all - they handled things so poorly, I feel so betrayed by them that I don't know how to face them. 10 years of blood sweat and tears (literally on all 3) and their selfish calousness was what I got for it. These are truly the defining moments in a persons life when you really know who are the people that you really need and matter.
I would like to thank all those that took a few minutes to read my post and took time to say something(NatR,JennJilks,Katherine, Tracie). It IS helpful to know that others know my pain, almost validating in some way. No one in my life (thankfully for them) has lost a spouse so none of them truly know what I am feeling, how devastating it is to lose the person you shared every day with . Tracie I think you nailed it when you said you were afraid of losing control, I am so afraid of losing control because if I do then what?? So I keep "keeping on". I almost feel guilty for not walking around crying all the time, I do have my moments when I let it in but its just so painful.
I find myself just staring off into nowhere shaking my head back and forth in disbelief that he is really gone. Back in May 2013, after weeks of my husband suffering horrible migraines, he insisted were just headaches and him eventually collapsing in the shower and me having call 911 and have an ambulance take him to emergency, we found out that his cancer had spead to his brain (multipe, multiple tumors.) We knew then that his fight with this disease was a loosing battle and that our time would be short. His sister and I seemed to be the only ones that really understood that he was really going to die. I knew for months that it was going to happen and now I am disbelief that he is gone and that it all really HAPPENED - starnge how the mind works.
NatR you are right about my little dog Jersey. She is an amazing little being and could never have gotten thru these last few years truthfully and especially last few months without her! She is the only thing that makes me smile most days. She can give me what no one else can sometimes. We adopted Jersey from the humane society in Feb 2010 - just 3 months later we got the news that my husband had cancer. Ceasar Milan always says "You don't always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need" Never has this rung more true.
Cathie