Oh My Gosh Beverly much of what you present is similar to what I've been through. Donna my wife of 28+ years passed away last August 7 so my year anniversary is coming fast. In fact July 10 was the day before she went into the hospital for a procedure. We had dinner. Little did we know it would be our last meal together. We had no children just Nina the Westie.
This past year after her passing has been an entire range of emotions that go from abject pain to dullness. I see all that she did for us around the home and see her in all her things. I have started to donate to her things CancerCare.org but had to stop since it is painful. I will start again next weekend. It is my way of finding my way. What was the hardest for me was not taking her things out but replacing the empty space with mine. That hit me hard. Just take your time.
I sense your struggles are constructive and moving you forward which is what struggle is the movement forward. I try to consider that 'Donna loved me into being' and my being is what I am for me and for her. But I have not made up my mind yet about moving or starting over. I have not gotten there on any level. I am trying to find myself in work and reinvent myself as a way to establish a new adventure. I closed my business up when she was diagnosed three and half+ years ago and have been doing some consulting but I now find myself with just me and I am not that interesting some days. But I know for a fact that today I am better for all that I did and went through. My time caring for her and after her death brought into focus what we had, what she was and what I am. These dark moments are just speed bumps and places for me to drill down into myself, the love I have for her, and us to find more. I am learning and growing from this but not in the way a child grows but in a way a plant grows and sends roots out to find water and nourishment. I am nourished by the pain in some strange way. Both of us were take no prisoners type of people and she clearly said to me in the hospital ‘Don’t be a maudlin pussy’
I’ve posted this in other places and at the risk of repeating myself I’ll do it here again:
"Decathexis is the word. Freud (I was told) used the word CATHEXIS to talk about attachment. My supervisor talked about the process of grief being the work of "DECATHEXIS" and that is the tying off the threads (the warp & the woof) of the tapestry of the relationship. All the threads that make up that tapestry have to be tied off, the tapestry completed. The tapestry remains and is preserved through that tying off of the threads that formed the relationship. And it's hard, time-consuming work."
So that is my work right now to create this tapestry that I will hold with me preserved in my heart. I hope this helps. You know our 10 year wedding bands said the following Amor Vincit Omnia ‘Love Conquers All Things’ Donna believed it and I do and I believe love will conquer this and will help me find love again, though Donna knew I am one fussy bastard…LOL
I hope I’ve helped and am her to help more if I can.